Isolation is the dark angel of hearing loss. Yet there are times when I welcome her as the lesser of two evils. Silence versus noise. Pease versus the struggle for understanding. But it goes deeper than that. I've only been treating my hearing loss since 1997. I have, for as long as I can remember, always felt on the fringes of group conversations. There is, of course, no way to check this out but I might have always had a hearing disconnect of some kind. And this could have been more behavioral or developmental than organic. The part that I remember is the feeling that I was being "talked over" as though I were between two people who knew what the subject was and I didn't. My contributions often seemed to be irrelevant or at best, slightly off point. It may not mean a thing but my favorite place as a child was in the crown of an oak tree or in my secret loft. Liking to be alone may be the innocent truth of it, but there it is for consideration. Perhaps I am looking for things that are not there.
When real time profound deafness was added to this history there were the makings of some serious, perhaps unconscious ground-in expectations when experiencing group discussions. I have found that confirming a statement is often the solution as in - "Are you saying the price was wrong or the purchase itself?". What I heard was not definitive, but asking such a question could get to the point easily. It can make conversation kind of clunky but it also can clear up a lot of misunderstanding and keep one in the center of things. It's more to the point that just asking, "What?".
I often wonder what it was like when I could hear it all. I think I remember when I could understand conversations in the "other" room or across the room. I think I can remember the sweet passages of Beethoven's sixth. But can I be sure? It's been so long. Those are childhood memories. Memories of other times.
The thing is, hearing loss is a constant struggle. It's a major feature of one's life and there is something to learn from it every day and it's not often about the past, but about now.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Saturday, April 6, 2019
WE NEED A NOSTALGIA VACCINATION
There's a huge effort going on at our house lately; the effort to get rid of the trash and treasures of decades of collecting. This is all in preparation for the big migration south - eventually.
I have been delaying dealing with my bookshelves so I decided to tackle them, one section at a time. Let me say here at the outset, I could empty this room of all the books, magazines and notebooks in twenty minutes with one of those trash chutes hooked to a window and a dumpster at the end. That being said, the truth is that regardless of my good intentions, I seem to be possessed by some magnetic force that compels me to open every one of those dusty old books to see if perhaps an errant $100 bill was stuck in there to mark a significant passage. I mean, I haven't touched that section in over fifteen years. Dust? You don't know dust. I know dust. AaaaaaChooo!
After all the books were in a pile I noticed in the dark far corner of the lowest shelf, mostly hidden by my treadmill (that's another whole discussion) was the corner of a box of some sort. With some tugging I managed to free it and drag it out. Old negatives and photographs. Apparently hundreds of them. Fifty years worth, if my memory serves me well. Actually the long term stuff is usually spot on. It's the short term, "Where did I put that coffee cup?" stuff that's a problem.
I couldn't help myself. That magnet thing I mentioned kicked in with a nuclear force and the next two hours were spent moaning, "Oh my god" over and over, which, if you listen carefully seems to rhyme with Armageddon. So the original (and most important) task was sidetracked while I wallowed in the muck and mire of terminal nostalgia.
Meanwhile CA, my partner in life, walked in and I said, "Come here and sit down and look at this!" Bless her heart, she did just that. We laughed and, yes, shed a tear as we looked in wonderment at those beautiful young people. What she should have done was to dump a bucket of ice water on my head to shock me back into the present tense. By the time this project is over, that will be likely to have happened several times.
So, the first slug of books are all bagged and will be on their way the library, Goodwill or to you, if your resistance is lower than usual. Just give me a call. However, I can't promise a dust free transaction.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
REMEMBER FOUNTAIN PENS?
I can't explain it. Decades ago - yea even a lifetime ago I used to write letters and notes with an actual fountain pen. Then I stopped. The ballpoint pen never did work for me. I couldn't read it after it got cold, whereas I could read what I wrote with a fountain pen. And, oddly, I could revisit my scribbling done with a lead pencil. I figured it was the friction that did it. The tactile connection. There was a sensual sensation between the writing instrument and the paper that made for a more contemplative experience. Whatever: it made for a result that was more legible.
Meanwhile, I taught myself to type. It was a long and frustrating experience. Then way back in the early 80s I entered the computer age. Spellchecking. Instant correction. No more erasable bond. White out and overtyping became a thing of the past. I could just write and write and let some digital editor correct my work. It was liberating.
Yet, I missed my fountain pen. I bought one five or six years ago in a weak moment in the dead of winter and the thing didn't work all that well so I laid it by. About a month ago I dug it out and decided to see if I could resurrect it. So I flushed out the pen until it seemed to be working and loaded it with ink. Behold! The thing performed perfectly. Subsequently I have discovered that flushing out a fountain pen is standard procedure. I didn't know that.
I decided to see if I could find a source for fountain pens and associated paraphernalia. I quickly discovered this marvelous fountain pen store down in Virginia that is the most amazing place. It's online only and they only do pens, ink and paper and other accessories to the writing life. Their inventory is huge. The difference between writing instruments now and back when I used one in the fifties is staggering.
You guessed it: I now own a couple more fountain pens. It's fun - that is, for me. My penmanship is pretty much what is has always been - messy. But, and this is the test, I can read it cold and the few letters and notes I have sent out have seemingly been read successfully. I don' know how long this will last but I am having fun. I have some nice quality writing paper and envelopes. And good ink.
Suddenly I discover that I have email addresses for dozens of friends while missing quite a few actual mailing addresses. Don't worry, I don't expect everyone who gets one of my "original" hand written epistles to respond in kind. This is something I enjoy. Whether you do or not is none of my business.
Sometimes I use green ink.
Meanwhile, I taught myself to type. It was a long and frustrating experience. Then way back in the early 80s I entered the computer age. Spellchecking. Instant correction. No more erasable bond. White out and overtyping became a thing of the past. I could just write and write and let some digital editor correct my work. It was liberating.
Yet, I missed my fountain pen. I bought one five or six years ago in a weak moment in the dead of winter and the thing didn't work all that well so I laid it by. About a month ago I dug it out and decided to see if I could resurrect it. So I flushed out the pen until it seemed to be working and loaded it with ink. Behold! The thing performed perfectly. Subsequently I have discovered that flushing out a fountain pen is standard procedure. I didn't know that.
I decided to see if I could find a source for fountain pens and associated paraphernalia. I quickly discovered this marvelous fountain pen store down in Virginia that is the most amazing place. It's online only and they only do pens, ink and paper and other accessories to the writing life. Their inventory is huge. The difference between writing instruments now and back when I used one in the fifties is staggering.
You guessed it: I now own a couple more fountain pens. It's fun - that is, for me. My penmanship is pretty much what is has always been - messy. But, and this is the test, I can read it cold and the few letters and notes I have sent out have seemingly been read successfully. I don' know how long this will last but I am having fun. I have some nice quality writing paper and envelopes. And good ink.
Suddenly I discover that I have email addresses for dozens of friends while missing quite a few actual mailing addresses. Don't worry, I don't expect everyone who gets one of my "original" hand written epistles to respond in kind. This is something I enjoy. Whether you do or not is none of my business.
Sometimes I use green ink.
Sunday, March 24, 2019
SPEAK TO ME
Our three way phone call the other evening was a good idea. It was like a visit - almost. However, as usual - I always come away from three way calls and multi person conversations feeling like I missed something. This is the reason I usually depend so heavily on the written word.
Without fail, every time we leave from a visit with friends I always ask CA for a brief summary of the visit. It never fails that I missed something essential. I have all this nice equipment hanging on my head but all that technology does not re-create normal speech. It creates a facsimile - not the same but similar. I do not hear what every body else hears. That's why music no longer works for me.
This is also why it is so important to face me when talking to me. The visual queues really make a huge difference. The environment is also important. Noisy places are sometimes impossible for me. I have lost the ability to filter out unwanted sound and focus on what someone is saying as most normally hearing people can do. That's a disability. I don't like that term, but it wasn't until I accepted the fact that I was indeed disabled that I felt truly empowered to speak up and ask for what I need to enable me to hear and understand.
Of course, it doesn't always work. At times all the best intentions just don't get it done and I must retreat and re-group. In difficult situations the effort to understand and participate is tiring and frustrating. Escape is sometimes the only healthy thing to do.
Meanwhile, I, and millions of other Americans hobble along on our aural crutches: hearing aids, cochlear implants, other assistive listening devices. On level ground I can get along at a fairly good clip. On irregular terrain, however, I might need a little help from my friends.
Without fail, every time we leave from a visit with friends I always ask CA for a brief summary of the visit. It never fails that I missed something essential. I have all this nice equipment hanging on my head but all that technology does not re-create normal speech. It creates a facsimile - not the same but similar. I do not hear what every body else hears. That's why music no longer works for me.
This is also why it is so important to face me when talking to me. The visual queues really make a huge difference. The environment is also important. Noisy places are sometimes impossible for me. I have lost the ability to filter out unwanted sound and focus on what someone is saying as most normally hearing people can do. That's a disability. I don't like that term, but it wasn't until I accepted the fact that I was indeed disabled that I felt truly empowered to speak up and ask for what I need to enable me to hear and understand.
Of course, it doesn't always work. At times all the best intentions just don't get it done and I must retreat and re-group. In difficult situations the effort to understand and participate is tiring and frustrating. Escape is sometimes the only healthy thing to do.
Meanwhile, I, and millions of other Americans hobble along on our aural crutches: hearing aids, cochlear implants, other assistive listening devices. On level ground I can get along at a fairly good clip. On irregular terrain, however, I might need a little help from my friends.
Saturday, February 9, 2019
LETTING SLEEPING DOGS LIE
If you're one of those short sighted uncaring people who are tired of reading about old guys talking about being an old guy, then you can unplug now and save yourself a ton of grief.
OK, if you are still here I was wondering what is it about being an old guy (I know I should be saying 'person' but that seems so clunky. I know there are old women - don't worry about it.) that sooner or later you think, "Wouldn't it be great to go looking for an old childhood pal you have not seen or heard from for fifty or sixty years"?
There is a clue built into the very thought of searching for an old pal and it is this: how often do old pals look you up? Get it?
Anyway, I went looking for this guy who I was good friends with back in the fifties. Are you with me now? That's several wars ago. I actually found him on FaceBook in the search field and so I contacted him. He was surprised and said he thought I was dead. But he sounded excited to re-connect. So I sent him a catchup email and he acknowledged it promptly saying he was glad to hear that I was still alive and would soon send a note catching me up to his life for he past sixty years. Nothing. Not a peep. It's been months.
At first I was disappointed but then I came to my senses - which is not always the case, in my case. I thought: Well, it seems that he ended up at ivy type school so he must have been brainy and probably had so much in his life to report that he was still writing his catchup note to me. The sad truth is that he's probably suffering from dementia. It's pretty common among my contemporaries. Probably doesn't even realize we exchanged emails. Sad. I'll send him a get well card.
I have this other high school friend who sends out notices of the passing (read death) of members of our HS class. He and I reconnected through our shared experiences dealing with prostate cancer and the treatment thereof. It seems that there is a greeting, growing in popularity among older men - "How's your prostate"? It's a clubby sort of thing. If you are not an old guy with an enlarged or cancerous prostate this won't mean much to you.
Here's the thing - why try to resurrect relationships that died of natural causes a lifetime ago when there are dozens of people in my own generation who are practically within walking distance?
The answer, of course, is curiosity. Raw, unadorned curiosity. Nothing wrong with it but consider the excessive time and energy it would take to fill in all the gaps between then and now when within arm's length are many who can share life as it is now with all the liver spots, stiff joints, wrinkles, flabby bellies and scary diagnoses. I mean - how good can it get?
OK, if you are still here I was wondering what is it about being an old guy (I know I should be saying 'person' but that seems so clunky. I know there are old women - don't worry about it.) that sooner or later you think, "Wouldn't it be great to go looking for an old childhood pal you have not seen or heard from for fifty or sixty years"?
There is a clue built into the very thought of searching for an old pal and it is this: how often do old pals look you up? Get it?
Anyway, I went looking for this guy who I was good friends with back in the fifties. Are you with me now? That's several wars ago. I actually found him on FaceBook in the search field and so I contacted him. He was surprised and said he thought I was dead. But he sounded excited to re-connect. So I sent him a catchup email and he acknowledged it promptly saying he was glad to hear that I was still alive and would soon send a note catching me up to his life for he past sixty years. Nothing. Not a peep. It's been months.
At first I was disappointed but then I came to my senses - which is not always the case, in my case. I thought: Well, it seems that he ended up at ivy type school so he must have been brainy and probably had so much in his life to report that he was still writing his catchup note to me. The sad truth is that he's probably suffering from dementia. It's pretty common among my contemporaries. Probably doesn't even realize we exchanged emails. Sad. I'll send him a get well card.
I have this other high school friend who sends out notices of the passing (read death) of members of our HS class. He and I reconnected through our shared experiences dealing with prostate cancer and the treatment thereof. It seems that there is a greeting, growing in popularity among older men - "How's your prostate"? It's a clubby sort of thing. If you are not an old guy with an enlarged or cancerous prostate this won't mean much to you.
Here's the thing - why try to resurrect relationships that died of natural causes a lifetime ago when there are dozens of people in my own generation who are practically within walking distance?
The answer, of course, is curiosity. Raw, unadorned curiosity. Nothing wrong with it but consider the excessive time and energy it would take to fill in all the gaps between then and now when within arm's length are many who can share life as it is now with all the liver spots, stiff joints, wrinkles, flabby bellies and scary diagnoses. I mean - how good can it get?
Sunday, January 20, 2019
I'M GONNA LIVE UNTIL I DIE
Every year at this time my bank sends out a form letter - I have long ago stopped expecting" any kind of personal communication from a bank - notifying me of the status of a very small IRA account I have had for a number of years.
By law, as you know, when you reach the age of 70 and ½ years you must begin taking what is called a minimum distribution from your IRA. The wording of this announcement is catchy, "Based on the IRS life expectancy table and your plan balance as of 12/31/18 your minimum distribution is $ - - - - "
Having a quick mind, as I am sure you all know, I did a little calculating dividing the amount of the IRA by the projected distribution and .came up with a number that was what the IRS figures is how long I will live. Well, you know the IRS, they are precise.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but I'll be 88 this year - the year of the IRS calculation about my life expectancy. And according to the IRS I am scheduled to live 12.7 more years. The last guy I knew who boasted that he was going to live until 100 died when he was in his late 80s. If you've been paying attention, you know that's about where I am.
Well . . . . The bank is careful not to say something like, "Hey Jerry - you got 12.7 more years to go! Ye Ha!" But if you read between the lines, well, the handwriting is on the wall and that's enough about the wall.
Some years ago there was a popular song sung by Frank Sinatra, Sarah Vaughan and Frankie Laine and probably a few others and the last verse went like this:
By law, as you know, when you reach the age of 70 and ½ years you must begin taking what is called a minimum distribution from your IRA. The wording of this announcement is catchy, "Based on the IRS life expectancy table and your plan balance as of 12/31/18 your minimum distribution is $ - - - - "
Having a quick mind, as I am sure you all know, I did a little calculating dividing the amount of the IRA by the projected distribution and .came up with a number that was what the IRS figures is how long I will live. Well, you know the IRS, they are precise.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but I'll be 88 this year - the year of the IRS calculation about my life expectancy. And according to the IRS I am scheduled to live 12.7 more years. The last guy I knew who boasted that he was going to live until 100 died when he was in his late 80s. If you've been paying attention, you know that's about where I am.
Well . . . . The bank is careful not to say something like, "Hey Jerry - you got 12.7 more years to go! Ye Ha!" But if you read between the lines, well, the handwriting is on the wall and that's enough about the wall.
Some years ago there was a popular song sung by Frank Sinatra, Sarah Vaughan and Frankie Laine and probably a few others and the last verse went like this:
Gonna dance, gonna fly,
I'll take a chance riding high,
Before my number's up,
I'm gonna fill my cup,
I'm gonna live, live, live, until I die!
. . . and so shall we all.
I'll take a chance riding high,
Before my number's up,
I'm gonna fill my cup,
I'm gonna live, live, live, until I die!
. . . and so shall we all.
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
TIME CHANGES THINGS
And speaking of Christmas: It's just not my favorite time of year. I like the part where we can see friends and perhaps talk on the phone or Face Time with those who are far away - - - and therein lies the rub.
We are so scattered. To attempt long distance traveling during the Christmas season - well, it's just stupid. At best it's ill advised. Already the weather gods are posting dire predictions. I hope they are wrong.
Home for Christmas! It's almost as American as gerrymandering. I can remember when I was in school loading the kids on a mattress in the back of that old Ford and driving twelve hours to grandma's house. There is little to equal the restorative powers of a mother's embrace. When the distances reached 2000 plus miles the complications multiplied.
I don't think this is my private problem. I think it comes with age in an age where long distances separate the young, who are off where jobs are or spouses or dreams, from the old who tend no to be as mobil. When I was a kid the thirty odd miles to grandma's house was easy for twenty to thirty children, grandchildren and great grandchildren - all of whom lived that near - to gather up and open gifts, eat in shifts and enjoy the embraces and faces of the closest of kin. There were twelve living children in my father's immediate family during those years. The numbers don't lie.
These days it's all just history. One day they are there - the next they are gone. I think of them all throughout the year but during these days those thoughts come in tsunami like waves. I hold my breath until they pass and then go on.
Thing is, I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. Those days were among the richest of my long life. We all have those memories and many of you can still reach out and actually draw them to you in a loving embrace. Do that now. These days don't last.
Be well, dear friends, and stay tuned. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We are so scattered. To attempt long distance traveling during the Christmas season - well, it's just stupid. At best it's ill advised. Already the weather gods are posting dire predictions. I hope they are wrong.
Home for Christmas! It's almost as American as gerrymandering. I can remember when I was in school loading the kids on a mattress in the back of that old Ford and driving twelve hours to grandma's house. There is little to equal the restorative powers of a mother's embrace. When the distances reached 2000 plus miles the complications multiplied.
I don't think this is my private problem. I think it comes with age in an age where long distances separate the young, who are off where jobs are or spouses or dreams, from the old who tend no to be as mobil. When I was a kid the thirty odd miles to grandma's house was easy for twenty to thirty children, grandchildren and great grandchildren - all of whom lived that near - to gather up and open gifts, eat in shifts and enjoy the embraces and faces of the closest of kin. There were twelve living children in my father's immediate family during those years. The numbers don't lie.
These days it's all just history. One day they are there - the next they are gone. I think of them all throughout the year but during these days those thoughts come in tsunami like waves. I hold my breath until they pass and then go on.
Thing is, I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. Those days were among the richest of my long life. We all have those memories and many of you can still reach out and actually draw them to you in a loving embrace. Do that now. These days don't last.
Be well, dear friends, and stay tuned. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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