First - for all you wise crackers out there - it's not just a number. All the sugar coating you can apply can't hide the raw facts of all that's left behind - the family that is long gone - the friends - the activities: the sweat, the muscle soreness after a day climbing or skiing or cutting grass - yes I even miss that. I miss the gathering of friends who are all moved away, doing their own end of life thing or simply moving on following their own life map.
Everything I say reeks of grief. There are ninety years behind me and, well, my future is right in my face. I just hope my collision avoidance program is working. I don't want to go slamming into my headstone in the dark. Then, truthfully, we don't have much control over that - do we?
Here at The Woods at Canco, the facility where we now live, we are issued a little button on a lanyard that goes around your neck. You get in any kind of trouble, fall or get lost of whatever, all you need to do is to press the button and you are in voice contact with someone who can find you and summon help. Pretty slick. Many residents don't wear them but many do. If either I or Carol Ann go walking alone we take one, The best advise is to wear one all the time. When we were issued the little buttons I just looked at it and thought, "OK Buster - you are now a certified member ot the 'I've fallen and can't get up' generation".
I miss my life. Three great children. All of them in their sixties and all in Texas. I was married to two great women and am into my 24th year partnership with a simply amazing woman and together we try to make sense of the issues, pressures and realities of aging. Some days are better than others.
The missing confidant. Over the years I have been blessed with priceless best friends. I have now outlived some or time has separated us. Longevity is a bitter sweet pill. You wash it down with a draught of gratitude for long life and then you spend a little time grieving over the loss that comes naturally to those who live long.
Communicating with best friends is essential and becomes more important with age. I have found that writing letters in longhand is an effective way to have an intimate relationship with a best friend. Electronic communication has been a gift to those of us who have taken to the medium. Then there is the telephone. Long conversations with best friends who can manage an extended conversation, and that is becoming a rarity, can be a true balm - a real gift to those who are managing a long distance relationship. I have several friends from one end of the country to the other with whom I enjoy long phone chats. It's incredible how these conversations lift my spirit. Yes, I know about Zoom.
I don'r intend to say everything there is to say about being 90. I will say this: it's not easy.
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